a ghost in a jar.

i was desperate.

i need to say one thing before i tell you about this. i am a good person. i gave to the homeless, i put others before myself, and i never cheated anyone. until now. i was desperate.

i had run out of money, i couldn't really pin point when it happened exactly, i didn't owe anyone much, but something was still wrong. i was buying everything i thought i needed. new sofa, new tv that was 'hd ready'. whatever the case i got myself into this and i had to get myself out of it. then i lost my job. it was a dead end, office job. maybe if i had more ambition in life i would have been in a better place. i lost everything after that.

i lost the new sofa.

i lost the new tv with its fucking hd.

i was nearing the end of it all, looking on ebay for a new whateverthefuck. when i saw someone was selling a "possessed toy". it was a doll they had brought that was apparently haunted. i didn't believe it for a second. but with 10 days to go the doll was already at £6,000. in the items description there was, hidden among the apparent hauntings, a disclaimer.

"this item may or may not be haunted upon purchase"

they had cleared their arse and were still getting a shit load of money. if it was a con, it was working. i picture the person selling it, desperate. but imaginative. and using the imagination to survive. so i decided i would do the same, but would go one more.

i was desperate.

i put my soul on ebay. i took photos of an empty jar. i told people about the voodoo witchcraft required to extract it and place it in the jar. i was literally selling my soul to ebay, and it was working. the price was up by £300 in a few hours. the people bidding it must have been as desperate as me, somehow. but it worked. should i have been doing this? i had always been such a good person.

fuck it, it sold for £5000.

a few days later i had a knock at my door, answering it i found a small man in a suit standing on my doorstep. he held a briefcase, had very well made hair and a small mustache. he looked like a short timothy dalton. he introduced himself as Herr Hair. he said that he was aware that i had recently sold my soul on ebay and was required by "new legislation" to check to see if my soul was suitable for sale. in a slight state of disbelief i let him into my house and he sat down at the table. he told me he was going to a run a simple series of tests to let me know the true worth of my soul because, and get this, he wanted to make sure i didn't rip anyone off.

i was still slightly taken back by this, but i had nothing to hide. i was sure he was probably the nutter who won the thing and that i would possibly have to get the police involved. he was around 4 foot tall however. i was over 6 foot.

the first thing he did was open his briefcase and produce a small computer like object. he held it up and pointed it around the room. he then got up from the table and slowly walked around my house, holding the machine up to the walls and objects in there. after a while the machine beeped and printed out a small piece of paper. he took the paper and studied the readings. he tutted to himself.

the second thing he did was he asked me my age. just as i replied he stood on one leg and prodded me quite sharply on the forehead. after expressing my shock at this to him, he tutted once more.

finally he walked to the door of the living room, and whilst bending down, licked the door handle. i was ready to call the police now. getting up from the floor he walked over to his briefcase, muttering quietly to himself, and produced another small machine that looked like a microphone. he licked the end of this, and tore off the piece of paper that it printed out of the bottom of it. he studied the paper and tutted. again.

he put all of his machines back into his briefcase and then turned towards me. i will not forget what he said.

"mr *****, i regret to inform you that you have no soul to sell. my tests have shown this to me with undeniable evidence. the money you received from your recent transaction will be refunded. i apologise for any inconvenience this has caused"

and with that he walked past me and left the house.

a few days later i was back to being utterly broke again. i have no idea what i am going to do next.

but i lay awake at night knowing, in my heart, that the man was correct.

2 for one.

there was a sale on at the head shop. you could buy two heads for the price of one it said. so me and a few friends decided to go up there. the heads we had were getting pretty old now, and who would we be to turn down a good sale!

mark decided to get a rather attractive head for when he was 'on the pull' as he called it. but also decided to get a charming head, for when he was with relatives. so he took his old one off and chucked it, walking out looking far more charming then before. with his 2nd purchased head in a bag under his arm.

then sarah decided she wanted an ugly head. she would never have to tell her insatiable boyfriend excuses anymore, who would want to sleep with someone with an ugly head? and making good use of the sale she also got a rather professional looking head, so that people wouldn't perceive her as a stupid girl who slept with anyone. as if we thought that anyway. looking professional as ever she exited the shop with a bag of ugly head.

i searched for ages among row after row of heads. heads for every occasion imaginable. and all 2 for the price of one. it was a good deal, no doubt about it. at first i found a head i thought i would like for when i was on a train or bus. it was one of those non-threatening-but-still-unapproachable faces. you know the ones. but then i thought it would be a waste of money, i don't use public transport that often. next i found a head that was meant to be good for sleeping. i'm not sure how the science worked behind it, but i decided against it. i was unsure.

hours passed and i still couldn't find any head or heads to replace my own. defeated, i left the shop empty handed, wondering when exactly the world became so two faced.

my best friend.

this is a story about my best friend.

never forget.

when i first met tom we were about 4 years old. he was playing in the woods on his own after his other friends had all run away from him. i don't know why. he was walking around the trees banging them with a stick when he found me. i was lost in the woods myself. he asked me who i was and i answered that my name was harry. he asked if i wanted to help him defeat all the trees. the trees were the bad guys you see. i said yes and found a stick of my own. we beat those trees for hours, all the time laughing at our unanimous victory over tree folk everywhere. tom and i decided at that very moment to stay best friends forever. i went back to his house afterwards and he introduced me to his parents, and asked if i could stay for tea. his parents smiled and gave me my very own plate and food at the table. i couldn't remember the last time i had eaten such a nice meal. afterwards tom exclaimed that i would be living with him and his family. his parents didn't argue, they just smiled and even made me my very own bed on the floor in toms bedroom. i was so happy.

tom had a set of rules for me to follow if i was going to live in his house with him. the first rule was that i had to hide whenever he had other friends over. he said that his other friends would never play with me. so i hid away in the cupboard or under the bed every time someone came over. it was a sad time, listening to the laughter of tom and his friends, but as soon as their parents came to pick them up and the laughter faded tom would come back for me. and again we would play together until it was time for bed.

the second rule was that i was never allowed to speak to his parents anymore. he said they would never listen to me because i wasn't their son. i don't remember my parents. i don't think they would listen to me either. but i followed the rule, and whenever toms parents were around i kept as quiet as i possibly could. sometimes tom would as well. it was a good game.

the last rule was that i could never go to toms school with him. he said i would never be able to play with the other children if i did. he said they wouldn't like me. he also said that he did like me. and every day i would hide away in his bedroom, trying not to disturb his parents, and when he came home we would play together until bedtime. i followed the rules well and never broke them. me and tom were the best of friends.

me and tom were happy together for years. then he began to get older. i started to notice that he spoke to me less and less. everyday i would be hiding in his bedroom waiting for him to come home. some days he would ask how i was and we would play. other days he wouldn't even talk to me. i screamed and i screamed but he wouldn't talk to me. i wondered if i had done something wrong. from then on whenever we played i did exactly what he said. i would never want to lose my best friend.

then one day tom came home and he didn't speak to me anymore. he didn't even look at me. each day i spent waiting for him to come home, but when he did it was never the same. he brought video games. he brought dvd's. it was like he was doing anything to avoid me. can you imagine that sadness? of your best friend looking straight through you. can you imagine shouting and crying at them to listen but they never did? tom got older.

it was on toms 13th birthday. i was hiding from his friends as i always did. we hadn't spoken for months. we hadn't played together for years. i lived in his bedroom quietly and sadly. something began to stir in my head. a small tick. like a cog that was slightly rusty. it began to get louder and louder. the truth was coming to me. sometimes the lie is far better then the truth.

i had to hide when his friends came over because they wouldn't play with me. they wouldn't play with me because they couldn't see me.

i couldn't speak to his parents because they could never hear me.

i couldn't go to school with him because no one could ever hear or see me.

i never existed. i was imaginary. i was born out of the innocence of a child on his own in the woods. a child who would make his own friends. i wanted to die. but i couldn't. as long as i was in toms memories i would live. it was horrible.

i was trapped in toms room. i watched him grow up. secondary school. girlfriends. alcohol. detention. homework. college. coursework. exams. university. moving away. i stayed by his side through every single one of those things and more. i would be there if ever he needed me. he was still my best friend.

tom moved out. he did very well in his exams. he became a doctor. a psychologist. he told people that the things they believed in were never real. he used to say he had an imaginary friend as a child. i was in the room for every patient he spoke to. every diagnosis he administered. i was no more real then the next persons alien abduction. or contact from the grave.

tom married a beautiful woman named amy. they brought a house together and had 2 children. 2 boys. he called one harry. i smiled as if we were both 4 years old again.

tom and amy grew old together. their children grew up and had children of their own. i was there every step of the way. retirement. pensions. grandchildren. great grandchildren. death.

amy died in toms arms. they were both 85. i have never seen tom so sad. he loved amy and now she didn't exist. i hoped she now knew how i felt.

on toms 87th birthday he contracted a very vicious type of blood cancer and was moved to a hospice. he was treated by a wonderful nurse named mary. she spent every waking hour at his side, bringing him what he wanted. talking to him. she was always there for him, and she was real. still, i stayed with him.

its toms last day alive. mary the nurse has gone down the hall to check on another patient. tom and i are the only people in the room. the strobing beep of the heart moniter soundtracking us. then he called for me. he asked for me by name. i was there for him. i walked over to my best friend and i held his hand. he looked up at me from his shriveled state and smiled. we were 4 again. we were in the woods. we were defeating the bad guys. he said that he knew i was always there. from as far back as he could remember. he said i was always his best friend. i held his hand and we died together. best friends.

the heart moniter flatlined. mary rushed into the room but it was too late. an old man and his imaginary friend both ceased to exist.