a ghost in a jar.

i was desperate.

i need to say one thing before i tell you about this. i am a good person. i gave to the homeless, i put others before myself, and i never cheated anyone. until now. i was desperate.

i had run out of money, i couldn't really pin point when it happened exactly, i didn't owe anyone much, but something was still wrong. i was buying everything i thought i needed. new sofa, new tv that was 'hd ready'. whatever the case i got myself into this and i had to get myself out of it. then i lost my job. it was a dead end, office job. maybe if i had more ambition in life i would have been in a better place. i lost everything after that.

i lost the new sofa.

i lost the new tv with its fucking hd.

i was nearing the end of it all, looking on ebay for a new whateverthefuck. when i saw someone was selling a "possessed toy". it was a doll they had brought that was apparently haunted. i didn't believe it for a second. but with 10 days to go the doll was already at £6,000. in the items description there was, hidden among the apparent hauntings, a disclaimer.

"this item may or may not be haunted upon purchase"

they had cleared their arse and were still getting a shit load of money. if it was a con, it was working. i picture the person selling it, desperate. but imaginative. and using the imagination to survive. so i decided i would do the same, but would go one more.

i was desperate.

i put my soul on ebay. i took photos of an empty jar. i told people about the voodoo witchcraft required to extract it and place it in the jar. i was literally selling my soul to ebay, and it was working. the price was up by £300 in a few hours. the people bidding it must have been as desperate as me, somehow. but it worked. should i have been doing this? i had always been such a good person.

fuck it, it sold for £5000.

a few days later i had a knock at my door, answering it i found a small man in a suit standing on my doorstep. he held a briefcase, had very well made hair and a small mustache. he looked like a short timothy dalton. he introduced himself as Herr Hair. he said that he was aware that i had recently sold my soul on ebay and was required by "new legislation" to check to see if my soul was suitable for sale. in a slight state of disbelief i let him into my house and he sat down at the table. he told me he was going to a run a simple series of tests to let me know the true worth of my soul because, and get this, he wanted to make sure i didn't rip anyone off.

i was still slightly taken back by this, but i had nothing to hide. i was sure he was probably the nutter who won the thing and that i would possibly have to get the police involved. he was around 4 foot tall however. i was over 6 foot.

the first thing he did was open his briefcase and produce a small computer like object. he held it up and pointed it around the room. he then got up from the table and slowly walked around my house, holding the machine up to the walls and objects in there. after a while the machine beeped and printed out a small piece of paper. he took the paper and studied the readings. he tutted to himself.

the second thing he did was he asked me my age. just as i replied he stood on one leg and prodded me quite sharply on the forehead. after expressing my shock at this to him, he tutted once more.

finally he walked to the door of the living room, and whilst bending down, licked the door handle. i was ready to call the police now. getting up from the floor he walked over to his briefcase, muttering quietly to himself, and produced another small machine that looked like a microphone. he licked the end of this, and tore off the piece of paper that it printed out of the bottom of it. he studied the paper and tutted. again.

he put all of his machines back into his briefcase and then turned towards me. i will not forget what he said.

"mr *****, i regret to inform you that you have no soul to sell. my tests have shown this to me with undeniable evidence. the money you received from your recent transaction will be refunded. i apologise for any inconvenience this has caused"

and with that he walked past me and left the house.

a few days later i was back to being utterly broke again. i have no idea what i am going to do next.

but i lay awake at night knowing, in my heart, that the man was correct.